How Many James?
by ThatOneAnimagus
Summary: Sirius and James return from a night in the Three Broomsticks. James contemplates, Sirius acts guilty, Peter brings water and biscuits, and Remus groans. One-shot.


"You know what?" James said, setting his glasses on the nightstand beside him.

"What?" Sirius asked, only listening part way.

"'James' is plural. So is 'Sirius' and 'Remus.' So how many James, Sirius, and Remus are there?" James ran a hand through his hair as he pondered this.

From the next bed over, Remus emitted a groan.

"You said you were going to the Three Broomsticks," he said exasperatedly. "Did Madam Rosmerta give him firewhiskey or something?"

"He had three Butterbeers," Sirius said. "No firewhiskey. Well, not loads."

"How much? We aren't supposed to have it for a reason-"

Before Remus could continue, Peter entered the dormitory with a plate of biscuits.

Sirius snaked one off the plate as he passed.

"Hey! Those weren't for you!" Peter protested.

"You know I love biscuits," Sirius shrugged, taking a bite.

"I didn't get the ones that Minnie makes."

"They're still biscuits."

"Peter!" James exclaimed, only now noticing that Peter had returned.

"Hi, James," Peter said.

"Why aren't you plural?"

"What?"

"James here has started asking how many James, Sirius, and Remus there are," Sirius explained.

"Oh," Peter said thoughtfully. "Well, I'd expect there are plenty of people with those names-"

"No," James said. "A 'Jame' is singular, but 'James' is plural. So how many James?"

Peter looked extremely confused at this pronouncement.

"I think that you could pick just about any number of James," Sirius said.

James shook his head. "What if it's not the right number? The only person who we know there's only one of is Peter, because it doesn't say 'Peters.' But there could be six James, thirty Sirius, and fifty-three Remus, or it could be thirty James, fifty-three Sirius, and six Remus."

"How much firewhiskey did he have?" Remus demanded.

"Well, there was this bloke who offered to get us some if we could answer his riddle," Sirius began, "and-"

"How much?" Remus repeated.

"A full glass and part of mine," Sirius said, wincing at the look of horror on Remus' face.

"Merlin, Sirius, why'd you and James go off and-"

"Remus? How many of you are there?" James interrupted.

"Only one," Remus said dryly, "Unless you're seeing spots."

"I'm not," James assured him.

"Good," Remus said. "Peter, could you get James here a glass of water? That might help."

"Hold on," James said. "You can't do that until we know how many James their are."

"There's only one," Remus said.

"But James is plural," James said.

Remus groaned. "This was only a glass and a half?"

"A glass and three quarters," Sirius said guiltily. "I only had a quarter of mine so-"

"We're in sixth year!" Remus said. "We're underage, still in school, and-"

"I think I figured out how many James there are," James said suddenly.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Sirius said meekly, quelling under the glare Remus had given him.

"Peter, did you get the water yet?" Remus sighed.

Peter put down the plate of biscuits and scurried off.

"There are five James!" James decided.

Peter returned shortly with the water, which he gave to James.

After finishing the water, James laid down and pulled the blankets over himself.

The other boys followed suit and were almost asleep when a voice broke the silence.

"I think there are twenty of you, Sirius," James whispered to the darkness.

"Go to sleep, James," Sirius told him.

"Sleep," Remus said forcefully. He shut his hangings with a snap.

"How many Remus?"

"Whose idea was taking this bloke's deal?" Remus asked, voice muffled by his pillow.

There was a moment of hesitation, then-

"It may have been mine," Sirius said.

"If I'm up all night," Remus said, "I won't help you with your essays for the rest of the year."

Sirius swore.

"I think there are seventeen Remus," James said.

"Now that you've figured that out, why don't you sleep?" Remus suggested.

"No, there's still Dorcas Meadowes," James said intently. "I need to figure out how many Dorcas and how many Meadowes. Then there's…."

There was a long night ahead of them.


End file.
